Whoever said thinking about your past will stop you from moving forward; lied. I believe parts of our past are key factors in helping us move forward. Especially when we confront ourselves about it. Only then can we grow in acceptance, and learn to comfort that past version of us.
I woke up one morning with a pivotal part of me:
I see a six-year-old girl crying in a hallway. It’s midnight. She’s alone. All she wants is some comfort……
All I want is some comfort. It’s me.
I see a light that I can’t get to; not without help. I begged for it to let me in, but it tells me to stop crying. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me there were no monsters under my bed, in my closet, or even in that pitched black hallway. No one came. I sat there, curled up in my blanket; and sobbed. When my eyes became heavy I laid down in that hallway; staring at the sealed-up light until I drifted to sleep.
This was the first time I remember feeling terrified. It was the first time I ever felt alone. It’s the first time I ever felt….. fragile.
I’m aware that this happened. I’m aware that I was hurt by it. And I accept that I’m still hurt by it. I’m tearing up just writing this because I remember the feeling so well. It’s one of many traumatic events in my life that I needed to write about today.
Before this core memory, I had this built-up anger that wouldn’t leave, and it was because I felt alone and lost, and terrified. All I had was me. I went to bed with this anger. Then the next morning I woke up with this flooding awareness of the first time; when these feelings I’ve been having were more than just feelings. I learned something vital that night. Something I’m re-learning.
Yes, I was angry that I couldn’t get to the light. I was angry that I even wanted it so badly instead of accepting what was, and what is, which is:
No one can always be there for you. You have to learn to be there for yourself. You have to find comfort in your own arms and believe that that’s enough; that you’re enough. Once you’ve done this, then anytime you need some comfort, whether it be in words or in arms, you’ll have it.
Our past doesn’t stop us from moving forward. It only makes us aware of the person we always were. In my case, I am whole, because even from my six-year-old self, I’ve always had myself to lean on when no one else was there.
So…..
To that little girl in the hallway who couldn’t do it for herself; I see you and I’ve got you.